Counselling for baby loss and pregnancy after loss

 

Baby loss

 

The loss of a baby can be a lonely and devastating experience. I have recently completed some training with the Foundation for Infant Loss and I wanted to highlight what I learned and invite people who are struggling with this to get in contact if you would like to go through counselling to help you cope. 

 

You might experience guilt, anger, denial, shock, disbelief, confusion, concern that you have let people down or let your baby down, a feeling that nothing makes sense, or a feeling of disconnection. This is a traumatic event for bereaved parents and in the case of a miscarriage it can often be overlooked or dismissed as it happens so often and people don’t always receive the support that they need. 

 

In some cases the grief and complicated feelings you are experiencing may be heightened by the lack of informed choice around the processes that occurred following the baby’s death. For example in the case of stillbirth, did you have a choice in seeing and holding your baby? Having some pictures taken? Staying in a bereavement suite? Funeral planning etc? 

 

There are many ways that parents lives can be affected, for example, 

  • Breakdown of relationships
  • Financial difficulties
  • Severe anxiety attacks and panic attacks
  • Depression
  • Isolation
  • Inability to cope with normal life
  • Guilt at considering another pregnancy
  • Fear of another loss
  • Turning to alcohol, drugs or food as coping mechanisms
  • A feeling of hopelessness/ that they have nothing to look forward to
  • Exhaustion
  • Inability to sleep
  • Difficulty becoming motivated
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Loss of appetite
  • Mental/ physical sluggishness
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Forgetfulness
  • Irritability
  • Feeling emotional

 

Grief often occurs in waves and can be reawakened by things such as 

  • The due date
  • Anniversaries
  • Mothers day or fathers day
  • Christmas
  • Another employee announcing their pregnancy or going on maternity leave

 

The grief that is experienced may reawaken previous losses and bring those to the forefront.

 

The experience can be very isolating, especially as many bereaved mothers report that people will avoid them or avoid asking about the deceased baby as it can be an uncomfortable topic. In reality, the bereaved mother may be desperately wanting to talk about their baby and needing support. 

 

If it was your first and only baby, you might struggle with your identity and thoughts like “Am I still a mum?” as you will feel like a mum and experience things that mothers do, such as producing milk, wanting to hold the baby in your arms, wanting to keep them safe and warm, but at the same time painfully excluded and aware that your experience is different to those of other parents. 

 

Not only is it a loss of a child, but the loss of the hopes, dreams and expectations that you had for them. It is likely that you would have made adjustments in your own life to prioritise the baby and will have constant reminders of this. It is likely there were many experiences that you were looking forward to having as parents too, and it can be devastating to try and come to terms with this. 

 

Subsequent pregnancy after loss

 

Family and friends may encourage you to try for another baby, which can feel like added pressure and may be dismissive of the enormity of the loss and trauma that you are facing. 

 

If you do try for another baby, this comes with its own set of challenges, such as constant anxiety and fear of further loss, guilt, expecting something bad to happen, holding back, fearing their ability to bond with the new baby, feeling like you let the previous baby down, isolated and misunderstood, detached or as though you are in a bubble. 

 

Your partner may differ in how they experience their grief and process their grief which can strain your relationship. The people around you may be happy for you during a subsequent pregnancy and falsely assume that as a couple you are happy and that everything is okay. These misunderstandings can be isolating and hurtful. 

 

There are many layers to the experiences of baby loss and subsequent pregnancy after loss. As a counsellor, I wanted to inform myself about these experiences to the best of my ability so that I can support you in an appropriate way. 

 

Support for bereaved parents

 

Here are some of the ways that I can support bereaved parents:

  • We can talk about the complex feelings that you are experiencing and go at your pace to unpack the experience and what it means to you
  • We can talk about the ways that you feel isolated and misunderstood by the people around you or dismissed by society
  • Grief comes in waves and may feel different every day, we can focus on what you need on that day and explore what is most helpful to you
  • It is important to balance your fears with the positive alternative, for example that there is a very good chance that your new baby will be okay, I will remind you of this
  • I can provide positive affirmations, journal templates, grounding techniques, and visualisation techniques 

 

The following is a list of charities, support services and resources that may help you.

 

Charities and resources for baby loss:

 

Charities and resources for subsequent pregnancies after loss:

 

It is worth mentioning that when bereaved parents were interviewed by the Foundation for Infant Loss about what helped in managing anxiety with a subsequent pregnancy after loss, counselling was the most frequently mentioned factor. 

You deserve support!

 

If you would like to know more about what I offer, have a look at my website here.

If you would like to ask a question or enquire about my sessions, you can get in contact with me here.