Counselling for infertility and IVF

Infertility and treatment

I have recently completed some training with the Foundation for Infant Loss regarding infertility and the experiences that couples go through with fertility treatment, particularly with IVF. I will summarise the experiences that prospective parents go through and discuss the support that is available through counselling and other means. 

It is very difficult to obtain fertility treatment. The first thing that doctors look at is lifestyle changes, then various tests. There are long waiting lists for NHS funded fertility treatment and varying eligibility criteria which are also age dependent. Private treatment is expensive, as one cycle of IVF can cost £5000, not including the cost of medicines, consultations and tests. 

Treatment options and routes to parenthood include 

  • Medicines
  • Surgical procedures
  • Assisted contraception - including Intrauterine insemination (IUI) or In vitro fertilisation (IVF)
  • Adoption or fostering
  • Egg donation
  • Surrogacy
  • ICSI sperm retrieval techniques
  • Freezing eggs or sperm 
  • Vasectomy reversal
  • Donor insemination

 

IVF

There are many options for prospective parents to consider, but I will focus on IVF within this blog post.  IVF is said to be an exhausting and isolating experience where you do not feel like yourself, you are full of hormones, nauseous, can be physically and mentally draining, and you experience a cycle of hope and disappointment as you move through treatment cycles. 

Infertility and fertility treatment can have a huge emotional impact on the couple. In part this is due to societal pressures to have children, the investment of time, energy and money into treatment, feeling like the stakes are high, and it could be everything that the couple feels they ever wanted. These are some of the common feelings associated with infertility and fertility treatment

  • Fear of the process
  • Fear of the treatment failing
  • Guilt and shame
  • Grief and loss
  • Low self-esteem
  • Loss of confidence
  • Anger
  • Jealousy
  • Stress
  • Embarrassment 
  • Helpless / out of control
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Overwhelmed by information and decisions 
  • Feeling unable to cope
  • Hope and despair

 

A recent study found that when faced with infertility, 90% of individuals feel depressed and 43% feel suicidal. This highlights just how difficult it is to navigate, and it is often done in isolation, without appropriate support as couples don’t often tell their employers that they are going through fertility treatment and people around the couple who know about it may not understand how difficult it is.

Infertility and its treatment often involve many losses, many of which are not always visible to others, and as a result are often dismissed by others and experienced in isolation. These losses may include things like miscarriage, the loss of your imagined family, hope of achieving a family ‘naturally’, failed IVF cycles, biological relatedness if using a donor egg / sperm / embryos, loss of hope or control, and loss of intimacy in your relationship. 

To put things into perspective, fertility treatment can have a profound impact on your daily life. You are likely to experience

  • Relationship stress
  • Financial stress
  • Social isolation
  • Obsession with the goal of pregnancy / children
  • Self-criticism, low self-esteem
  • Conflict between demands of work and demands of treatment
  • Physical side effects from treatment such as nausea and pain

You can see how fertility treatment can be all consuming and impact every area of a couple’s life. If you are experiencing this, you don’t need to do it alone. There is support available.

 

Support for those struggling with infertility

The Foundation for Infant Loss suggest some tips for coping in difficult situations:

  • Give yourself permission to feel jealous, angry, resentful or anything that you are feeling as your feelings are natural and normal and your guilt won’t help you
  • Give yourself permission to stay away from certain events or people when you are feeling vulnerable as this can help you get some control back
  • If you cannot avoid situations and questions that may trigger you, it can be helpful to prepare a script with answers to difficult questions. Don’t feel like you have to lie to make others feel better
  • Prepare several safe topics to talk about so that you can steer the conversation
  • Go with a support person who you can signal when you want to leave
  • Remind yourself of the aspects of you that you are proud of, independent of your fertility. You are much more than your failed IVF cycles or infertility
  • Find ways of connecting with your partner that are unrelated to IVF - for example consider what you did together before IVF
  • Build supportive relationships to help you cope and let them know what the best version of support looks like for you
  • Use positive affirmations, attend groups, attend counselling, do things to make your day-to-day life more meaningful

 

Resources for support:

Fertility friends is an online community of UK infertility patients. They provide free assisted conception support and forums.

The fertility foundation helps individuals and couples who need financial assistance towards starting a family, including IVF grants.

The fertility network UK provides online support forums, webinars and groups

 

Finally, I can support you through counselling in the following ways 

  • We can explore the anxiety, depression, fear, guilt, shame, anger, jealousy and any other feelings you are experiencing
  • We can explore the impact of your fertility journey on your relationship and daily life
  • We can explore the loss and grief that you experience after a failed IVF cycle
  • If this experience is a trigger for other losses or trauma that you have previously experienced, I can support you with that in our counselling sessions too
  • We can talk about the isolation that you may be experiencing 
  • We can discuss coping strategies and ways to improve your resilience, for example by ensuring there are other things in your life unrelated to your fertility journey that bring you joy and provide meaning 
  • We can discuss your identity and what life means to you, whether you are going through fertility treatment or if you have let go of this goal. We can explore what else you might want from your future and how you would like to see yourself.

 

If you have previously experienced baby loss and would like some support with that, have a look at my previous blog post here.

If you would like to know more about what I offer, have a look at my website here.

If you would like to ask a question or enquire about my sessions, you can get in contact with me here.