Have you ever found that you have nothing to talk about on the day of your counselling session, even though there were countless things you wanted to say in the week leading up to it? Or maybe you find yourself disclosing more of the deep stuff in the last 5 minutes of the session, knowing that you won’t have time to really get into it.

These are common experiences, related to the fear of vulnerability in therapy. In this blog post, I’ll discuss why it feels difficult to open up, address some common concerns about vulnerability in counselling, and share some tips for opening up in a way that feels safe. 

 

Why opening up feels difficult

You might not be used to opening up about your mental health or asking for help.

Maybe your family wasn’t open about mental health with you, so it doesn’t feel natural.

Maybe you believe that you should keep it all in and be able to cope on your own. While societal views regarding seeking help are changing, it can take awhile for you to get used to the idea that it's okay to talk about your feelings and mental health. 

Maybe you’re worried about being a burden, so you don’t open up to your friends or family. If you’ve never talked about these things with anyone before, it's natural that you might not know how to start with a counsellor either. 

Opening up can be scary, and takes courage. It can take time to get used to talking about your feelings, especially with someone new. 

 

Here’s why it's worth it to work through vulnerability in therapy:

• You can experience relief and growth by sharing how you feel
• You can learn to regulate or manage your feelings better
• You will develop a clearer sense of when you need to express your feelings rather than suppress them
• You will develop your intuition for the difference between vulnerability in a safe space versus being unsafe or at risk. 

 

Let's explore some common concerns regarding vulnerability in counselling. You might be thinking…

 

“I don’t know how to talk about my feelings.”

This is completely normal if you aren’t used to talking about your feelings, and as counsellors, we can help you find the words. Some people connect better with images or prefer to describe sensations rather than feelings, which is also valid. If I was your counsellor, I might encourage you to start with what brought you to counselling, and we can take it from there. As we progress through counselling you might find that you are better able to connect with your feelings and name them more easily, but this is not a requirement. 

 

“I’m not sure I’m ready to open up about my past or my emotions.”

If your reason for coming to counselling is to talk about your past or your emotions, but you’re not sure if you’re ready, you can let your counsellor know about these apprehensions. It may be that you need time to build trust before you feel able to talk about it. Or there may be a particular therapy approach that is better suited to you.

Many people find that the relationship between the counsellor and client is the main thing that determines the success of therapy, so it may be that you just need to find the right person for you. Consider what you’re comfortable sharing, and start there. If I ask you a question that you’re not comfortable with, you can say so. You’re in control. 

 

“I don’t want to relive past trauma”

A trauma informed therapist will understand how real and scary it can be to relive past trauma, and they will have ways of pacing the sessions and keeping you grounded. They will often remind you of the difference between then and now, and point out that you are safe and not in that place anymore. With their knowledge of trauma they can tell you about how the traumatised brain works and help you understand why you might feel the way that you feel. 

Of course it's entirely your choice as to whether you talk about trauma in your counselling sessions. Your therapist should never pressure you to divulge past traumas, and if you choose to do so, you are in control of how much detail you give and how much you keep to yourself. Your safety should be the counsellor's priority. 

 

“I’m not sure I can trust a therapist”

You can build trust slowly. You can talk about easier things at the start while you build a relationship. I know how scary it can be to share your story with someone new for the first time. I will do what I can to make you feel at ease in sessions. If it doesn’t feel right, you are under no obligation to continue with sessions. If you find that you can’t trust a particular counsellor, maybe they’re not the right fit for you. It’s okay to see different counsellors until you find one that you click with. 

 

“I don’t like crying in front of other people”

This is a relatable one. You know you’ll feel emotional talking about something, so you avoid it. Often those are the things that need to be expressed the most. Just know that we don’t judge you for crying in therapy. It’s healthy to get your feelings out.

When you bottle up your feelings and avoid them at all costs, it starts to cause problems, usually at the most inconvenient moments. This is why talking about how you feel (and in some cases crying) on a more regular basis releases that pressure and means things don’t pile up. It’s a healthier way of coping. 

 

How therapists create a safe space

As a counsellor, I won’t judge you. We can go at your pace. What you say in counselling is confidential.

We can talk about any concerns you may have about counselling or about opening up. I would recommend starting with something you find easy to talk about, and build rapport first. Ask your counsellor questions about them if it helps you feel more comfortable with them.

Once you start to trust them, you can start to share how you’re feeling. We can also check in and talk about vulnerability in between. This might feel safer for you than to feel like you’ve said too much too soon. While there is no right or wrong time to disclose the personal stuff, this might feel like a safer approach. 

Towards the end of a session, counsellors might ask you what you have planned for the rest of the day, or other questions to help you feel grounded and prepared to return to your day feeling safe. 

 

How to open up in a way that feels safe

Everyone is different. Some people find that telephone sessions work well because they don’t have to look at the person and feel watched when disclosing personal stories.

You might feel more comfortable turning off your camera during video sessions when you’re talking about something that makes you feel vulnerable.

I will always advocate for writing. Some people find that writing things down for their counsellor to read helps them express what they need to say.

A journaling habit can help you become comfortable with expressing your feelings in a safe and private space.

Writing a few notes to prepare for a counselling session takes away the pressure to remember things. You can decide in session if it feels right to share what you’ve written.

Learn to recognise the difference between feeling vulnerable in a safe space versus feeling unsafe and at risk. Listen to your intuition if you feel unsafe with a particular counsellor.

If possible, set some time aside after your counselling session to bring yourself back to your day, so that you can feel grounded and prepared to return to your day. Maybe a walk might help, or you might like to do some journaling or meditation. Do whatever it is that helps you feel grounded and safe.

 

I hope this blog post has been helpful for you.

If you’re interested in counselling sessions with someone who understands the fear and discomfort of opening up in counselling, you can book an introductory call with me or ask any questions here.

If you have concerns about therapy stigma or a fear of judgement in counselling, you can read my blog on this here.