Questioning identity later in life is normal

When you hear people talking about how they knew or how they figured out that they were gay/ lesbian/ queer etc, we frequently hear the story that “I knew since I was a kid”. It’s a compelling story that shows a lot of confidence, and it’s good to hear stories like this. But if you’re someone who is questioning your sexuality later in life, as an adult, just know that this is normal too. 

Everyone’s experience is different. What felt normal or acceptable to you growing up all stems from your environment, the people around you and the media you consumed. 

Not only that, but the default in western society has long had the expectation that everyone is straight. Although this is changing, if you grew up with family and friends who had this expectation, and no one really talked about LGBTQ+ people or their experiences, it can be hard to know. 

You might not have given it a second thought. You may have assumed that you were a late bloomer, and you’d soon feel the way your friends did. Or maybe you didn’t feel how you thought you were supposed to feel, but you figured everyone just got on with it. Let’s be honest, the way some people talk about their partners would make you think they don’t really like each other. 

Even if you had a positive perception of LGBTQ+ people, but you didn’t see yourself represented in the queer people that you knew, you might have brushed it off as “Queer people are like this and I’m not like that, so therefore I’m not gay/ lesbian/ queer.”

The beliefs you hold about yourself can be so strong that you will do all kinds of mental gymnastics to protect them, because let’s face it, life can be pretty scary when things like this change. You rely on these beliefs in so many ways, and if you question this one thing about yourself, it might mean that you have to question everything. 

 

The pressure to choose a label quickly

The pressure to choose a label might come from wanting to fit in, or wanting to make progress in your life and relationships. I think it can sometimes go along with the general pressure to figure your life out, reach milestones by a certain age, and be on a set path. 

Of course, more often than not, life doesn’t work out that way. And do you really want your life dictated by a made up set of rules, standards, and milestones, rather than by the things that you really want?

Labels are meant to support you. 

People use them because they feel right, they can help you find your people, and they help you communicate who you are to others. But if it feels like labels come with too many expectations and you’re feeling unsure, this is valid, and it’s okay to say you’re questioning. 

In fact, you never have to label yourself or come out if you don’t want to.

So take your time, learn as much as you can about different identities, talk to people, and be honest with yourself about what you like and what you want.

 

Allowing space for exploration

It’s your life and only you can live it. You’re free to make your own choices, your own mistakes, enjoy it and take as much time as you want or need. 

You don’t have to fit into a stereotype of who you think a queer person is. You can explore who you are but you don’t have to change your style or anything about yourself that doesn’t feel like you. 

If you do end up using a label and realising it doesn’t fit you or it doesn’t feel right for you, that’s okay. You can change it. You’re not invalidating other people’s identities by trying out a label and realising that it doesn’t work for you. You are exploring your own identity and discovering what feels right for you. 

I think when people are figuring out their identity, there can be a lot of guilt that comes with using a label and then realising it doesn’t fit. Many women first use the label “bisexual” before they realise that they are a lesbian. 

As a bisexual woman, I don’t think this invalidates my experiences. I think that having the “bisexual” label allows people to let themselves experiment and discover who they really are. Without that label, they might not have gotten to the realization that they are a lesbian. For that person, there would have been a time when the “bisexual” label suited her and was the most accurate label for her. 

I think the real problem comes from judging other people for how they identify. If you are uncomfortable and judgemental about someone else’s label / how they see themselves/ how they identify, then naturally you would also judge yourself if anything were to change in how you identify. This would make self-acceptance so much more difficult. 

I believe that sexuality is fluid, it can change over time, and that how other people identify has nothing to do with how I identify. Even if we use the same label, we can have very different experiences which are all valid. 

 

A mix of emotions

There is a mix of emotions that come with questioning your sexuality as an adult. Curiosity, confusion, disbelief, guilt, shame, anger, relief, joy, the list can go on and on.

You might feel like you’re living a lie. You might feel lost, unsure of where you belong and where you fit in. You might feel like questioning this part of yourself makes you question everything else about your life too. You may be worried about the impact this could have on your current relationships. 

At the same time, if you’re here you probably know that it's something worth exploring. 

If you’d like help untangling everything, my counselling sessions are a great place to get support.

As a counsellor, I don’t have an agenda.

I provide a safe space for you to reflect and explore how you’re feeling without any judgement. I’m here to support you and help you understand yourself better and feel confident in who you are. 

 

If you’d like to learn more about me, you can do so here.

If you’re interested in starting counselling with me, you can contact me here to make an enquiry.