This blog post is about identity exploration in counselling and navigating changes in identity throughout life. It covers the importance of identity,  how it relates to mental health, why I feel strongly about supporting people in finding or rediscovering their identity, and what you can do to figure out who you are and what matters to you. 

 

Why identity? 

 

When I think about identity, I first think about young people who are trying to figure out their identity and learn about who they are. 

However, identity is multifaceted. We are more than one thing and who we are changes over time. People can struggle with their identity at any age.

 

One thing I heard from clients of all ages over and over during my training was

“I want to get back to feeling like me”

 

I have learnt that many factors can make people feel unlike themselves or question who they are. For example, 

• Going through a period of depression in which you don’t get any joy from your usual hobbies or passions
• Questioning or realising things about yourself eg. sexuality or neurodivergence
• Navigating a new health diagnosis and figuring out what this means for you
• Going through a major life change such as the death of a loved one, illness, a new child in the family or any change to family dynamics
• A new job, house, relationship, career, area of study, retirement
• The ending of a relationship
• Moving house or moving to a new area
• Feeling lost and trying to figure out who you are
• Feeling disconnected from other people or from your community for whatever reason
• Not having clear boundaries or not feeling able to maintain or enforce them 
• Knowing who you are but having doubts because of the way you reacted in a particular situation 
• Being a people pleaser and being used to putting your needs second to everyone else’s

 

I realised there are a lot of things about me that make up who I am, including my family, my experiences, where I come from, my background, where I’ve lived, who I am friends with, and more. The way I see myself changes and I change as I go through different life transitions and acquire new experiences. 

Identity is something that everyone has to navigate, not just when they are young and learning about themselves but throughout their whole lives. 

 

In different life stages, we put our focus and energy into different things, such as school, friends, relationships, university, a career, starting a family, and retirement. 

At any stage our sense of self and identity can shift as we incorporate new experiences, ideas and beliefs into our sense of self. 

With each life transition also comes feelings of loss, such as when a new parent grieves their life before kids and misses the freedom they used to have. 

You could feel loss towards life plans that didn’t work out the way you thought or hoped they would, and you may be grieving the certainty or expectations that you once had. 

 

How does identity relate to mental health?

 

Knowing your values and knowing who you are helps you to be more confident, and make better decisions that align with who you are and what you want, leading to a better quality of life. 

It also helps you to set and maintain boundaries because if you know what you want, then you also know what you don’t want and you will be better at saying no to things that you don’t want. 

For example, you may choose to surround yourself with people who support you and accept you and who you feel comfortable around whereas you may choose to give less time and energy to people who judge you or people with whom you don’t feel like you can comfortably be yourself. 

 

Another way that identity relates to mental health is that ignoring or denying certain aspects of your identity or your experiences can have a damaging effect on your self-esteem as you are telling yourself that you are not worthy because of those experiences or aspects of your identity. 

If you don’t acknowledge your feelings and don’t let yourself feel your feelings, they may become more intense and cause problems later on, or your attempts to numb the unpleasant feelings mean that you end up numbing the good feelings too. 

You could suppress your feelings and experience depression or end up suddenly blowing up over something seemingly small and insignificant.

Counselling helps you to incorporate all the feelings and the aspects of your identity that you may not be comfortable with at first. It helps to combat any shame that you experience as you see the value and necessity in the previously denied feelings. 

I feel strongly about supporting people in finding or rediscovering their identity because I have seen how important it is. I’ve seen it neglected and I’ve seen the lack of confidence and lack of self-esteem that people experience as a result. I think that everyone deserves a chance to live their best lives and knowing who you are allows you to work towards that. 

 

Things you can do to figure out or explore your identity

 

Spend time alone as it allows you to get to know yourself without the influence of other people. It also gives you a chance to do some of the other things on this list. 

 

Journal about your values, likes and dislikes, strong opinions or reactions to things that happen in your daily life. Being clear about your values and reminding yourself of your values helps you to act in ways that are consistent with this and true to who you are. It helps you to feel more confident in who you are and to set and maintain appropriate boundaries when needed. 

 

Find the balance between consuming and creating - consume less and create more. What I mean by this is to consume less social media and content in which you are influenced by other people’s opinions. Instead try new hobbies and activities that you are interested in for yourself.

 

Practice self-care as this is unique to everyone. It’s whatever you do for yourself that makes you feel grounded, nourished, refreshed, or energised. It could be exercise, meditation, naps, eating well, gaming, seeing friends, or anything you need at that moment. Practising self-care also means you are checking in with yourself regularly to ask yourself what you need at that moment. This may not come naturally to everyone, especially if you are used to putting your own needs second to others. 

 

Counselling really helps you to explore what matters to you at this particular point in your life and when you hear it reflected back to you in different words from a counsellor this helps you to process it. Counselling also encourages you to check in with how you are feeling and as this becomes a habit, you become better at recognising patterns and recognising what you need.  With counselling you learn to incorporate your feelings and experiences into who you are as a person, you can combat feelings of shame and become more accepting of you are. This then helps you develop greater confidence and self-esteem. 

 

If you are interested in trying out counselling to explore your identity, please feel free to have a look at my website here and get in contact here if you would like to arrange a free introductory call or arrange an appointment.